My name is Doug Williams, I am 42 years old, raised in a Christian family, grew up in a farming community in Arkansas where everyone knew each other, and I am an addict. I’m not the only one nor will I be the last. In fact there are so many of us I am not known for who I am, or how I got here. Rather I am known for what I am..a statistic. For all anyone knows or cares they could take one picture off of the ‘Faces of Meth’ board and place our names on the bottom. That is not the face of us all. We are the high school football star, the cheerleader, the sweet, shy person that is dressed up with never a bad word about anyone, the friend that sits by you at work. A picture of any of these people would not scare you away from drugs. If you talk to a homeless addict you will get different answers of their past, some at one time were these people, and some never had a chance.
No one can put a picture up of what we feel inside. I am a statistic, I have the same regrets and was jaded before I reached my twenties, as many who are numbered among statistics are. The drugs effect you, deep inside. Not just your mind, not just speed bumps when, or if, you shoot up. Not just the decaying of your teeth because the speed has striped them and torn them down. Not just the bags under your eyes. Deeper into your soul. You soul becomes callous, striped away and torn down. Baggage piles up.
We all have baggage don’t we? Regrets that if we could only go back in time and erase we would in a heartbeat, wouldn’t we? Noreen and I have a DVR and I get so used to pausing and rewinding live events, that when I am in the Suburban I half way listen to the radio and if I miss something I try and rewind it. I think if they could just create something like that for life, man I would wear that sucker out. Let me share my regrets. Something I think all the other statistics can relate to.
When my friends dad, not biological but the only one that he ever knew and the one that he loved enough to call dad, was on his death bed in excruciating pain I asked him to bring his Morphine tabs over, ending up leaving him short, emptying what he had to be exact. When my friends died from overdoses and all I can think about is who is going to get his stash, and how can I get it first. When my friend went to jail for possession and I hurried and made it over to his house and raided anything I could. Being trusted to take care of a friends house and taking what I could, if not drugs then small possessions, nothing major to me anyway. They would notice the drugs missing first anyway and then because I was close to them I would blame someone else and let them suffer the consequences. I could go on but I won’t, I think you get the idea.
I am not that way now, and I regret each and every time. These are the regrets of a statistic. It is easy to become one, the first time you use, you will again. You might start with a drink, even if you say when you start that you will only do it socially or one drink. You might eventually build up to drinking just one every once in awhile, but when you start that is not what it will be. If you started and that is all you drink then fine, but how do you know when you start which one you will be? Face it beer does not taste good the first time you drink it, yet you go back for the other one, and eventually you acquire a taste for it. The same with drugs, you might want to check out the big to do about it, you won’t get wasted the first time, or you will get so sick that you might not even want to do it again. But just because you got too sick or paranoid on one thing doesn’t mean that you won’t find something that will suit your taste. Next thing you know the social drinking or drugs will turn into a Tuesday night celebration, okay we are celebrating so and so’s raise, it’s fine I won’t do it again until the weekend. And then a night out with friends, it’s a special night, that’s all. A football game, poker night, dinner with friends. Before you know it you have become a statistic.
I smoke, disgusting I know but what else do I have? Cigarettes can be a gateway, why did you start in the first place? Friends? Family? It looks calming? It didn’t taste good the first time, and until you had enough in your lungs to make you dizzy and sick, then you just aren’t smoking. See the pattern? I have digressed from what I originally started with. Maybe I am bitter. Maybe I don’t want to look in the mirror to see who started this cycle. This is odd to say, but drugs saved my life. At a time when I needed them the most they were there. I never sought any other outlet but a violent one. Drugs tried to take my life, and I gave myself openly, freely. It didn’t accomplish what it sought to do, but it left the residual all over the place. I went back to it time and time again like a love sick fool. Now I just settle for cheap dates, things like cigs, coffee, Cokes, over the counter whatevers, exercise stimulants. Cheap dates that leave me feeling dirty and unloved.
I guess you can take this as a warning, or you can just take this as a very small insight to an addicts mind. If you take it as a warning and if none of that dissuaded you consider this. If you use you don’t know what road you will go on. You can end up looking in the mirror and see one of two numbers given to you. Another statistic or a number attached to your toe tag. A little over the top? You might turn into one of the lucky ones down the road that just ends up talking about those ‘good old days’, but the number of addicts and deaths, out weigh the number of the lucky ones.
D.
Addicts are emotionally stunted. Parts of our brains stopped developing the moment we started using. We end up with social and behavior problems. We make bad decisions when we use.
Once we stop using and our mind clears enough to see, really see the other choices we have as a nonuser, everything changes. Maya Angelou said,”Children’s talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives.”
I think we can be like that, stuck in our habit, ignorant of how to achieve a better way.
Like this quote “To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
I see you losing your grip on the old ignorant and stupid ways, Doug. We can still be happy though, oh yes! It just takes hard work. We are way behind the curve already because of the drugs. The good thing is you are facing yourself in a way that most never dare do. You will be able to find a happiness and a confidence through this struggle that you dont seem to know is possible.
“In order to deserve, we must pay our dues and steadily work for perfection. We must relish in struggle, and relinquish pride. We must dispel fear and seek enlightenment. We must shun division and honor love. We must know our hearts and seek to understand.”
I figure part of God’s judgment on me will be how close I get to reaching my potential in this life. Thats makes things hard, harder than using drugs. Its a struggle approved by God though. These are the kind of wars people are supposed to fight and I believe you, Doug will be a great commander in the battle against ignorance and stupidity.
You use to be a statistic. I will give you that. Your weren’t born a statistic, but your life style made you one. Sadly I think you became that way to many of us. But you are no longer a statistic. I think the person that removed that label was you and I can assure you no one in our family beleives you are just a statistic.
Jimbo-Man, I love you. It is good to have someone that has walked, and is still walking the same path. I have always looked up to you for your strength that you let shime. You are ahead of me in this, I remember that I used to warn you of what was ahead in different stages of life. I don’t know if I got any of it right or not. Probably not, but I do know that you are showing me what lies ahead, and that is a light and growth. I am glad you are my best friend, my brother, and I miss you. Love to you and your family, they are very blessed to have you and you to have them.
Jack-I should tell you this more, but I love you too. You are my brother-in-law but you have become more like a brother to me just recently. Your words mean a lot to me. I know that I seperated myself from everyone, and this is another regret I have. The only thing is I hope that I am making up for lost time. Tell everyone I love them, and thank you again.
D.
There art times when I really don’t have any words. But I love you and I can’t wait to hug Nee-Nee!!
I’m not ahead of you bro. I’m glad to have you as my best friend too. 🙂
Doug, I prayed for you and Nee-Nee by name this evening during my intercessions. You are both precious to our Abba. Grace to you.