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Archive for the ‘Thanks’ Category

I wanted to thank everyone for their comment on my last post, but instead of addressing them individually I thought that I would give a blanket response on this post. Just an experiment that might go horribly awry, but I fly by the seat of my pants.

Before I begin I want to say that I think all of the advice was good, and I took it well, knowing that I will use each one in some form or other. So my response is in no way argumentative, it is more questions actually to move forward.

I am torn sometimes between my spiritual self and my worldly side. I understand telling someone that I will call the cops on them if they ask again, because that will deter them from approaching me, and I will use that. But the question I ask myself is am I willing to go through with it if I am faced with having to do so? Unless this kid is slow to learn, I don’t believe that he will approach me again especially since I drew boundaries not to cross. That and I am a big guy, but what if the guy does approach again and I have threatened him with the police I don’t know if I could actually call them. I know that I would be doing him a favor getting him off the streets and away from drugs, but use in the jail system is just as bad, I know. Even in county jail it is pretty bad about drug use. Some jailers do drugs and they know how it is. As a Christian I know to abide by the law, but at what cost? They might even get a slap on the hand and back out in no time. Or nothing is found and nothing happens. Also it is my word against his word. Plus the drug task force is so focused on the big catch that they sometimes don’t even respond to smaller calls. I know this too from working here. My worldly side says what’s the use? My spiritual side says the threat and following through is the right thing to do. Which side should I listen to?

I do know groups that I can offer them, I just don’t attend them. My approach to them about that is if they need to talk to me instead with honest questions about getting over it, then I do know enough about that to talk, I am just not strong enough for them to continue bugging me about buying. But I know my weakness, and no matter how cliche’ it sounds, knowledge is power. Which brings me back around to the question above. People that talk to me on my blog I do e-mail them to let them know we can banter back and forth, that if they are down they can always write. I also let them know that probably a group or counselor would work for them, but to be careful in picking one out. One that they feel comfortable with.

My counselor does not have an honest view on the world of drug use and abuse. It might be my warped opinion but unless someone has truly been in it they don’t understand unwritten rules and how to talk to them. You can use psycho-babble all you want to these people they know. Some are very intelligent in listening to how you phrase your sentences, and can get defensive very quick. Might just be my view but that is how I do view it. I think that I handled the first part right, but again a part of me feels like there is more. A part of me doesn’t want to scare away someone that I could help when they are ready to talk.

I am happy about the book coming out I think that it will be useful for others in removing some of the stereotypes that some of the Church of Christ might have. The blogs I read from other Church members are struggles and a real desire to do God’s will in the world. These are struggles we all face, no matter what ‘denomination’ a person is.

With all that said, I overcame another obstacle. I was in my medicine cabinet and I ran across a bottle of Flexeril, Flexeril is a cyclobenzaprine, a muscle relaxer that I had for my back. It is a mild drug that is kind of moving up the list as a recreational drug, but right now it is not classed as the same as pain pills. These were 10 mg tabs, it takes anywhere between 20 and 80 mg to feel the effect of Flexeril. When I found them I thought I could take three first, 30 mg, and go from there since they are two years old what little potency they had might have diminished quite a bit. So I thought a little more, the effect that they would have with the medicine I am taking now the side effects will be increased, that is not a good thing, maybe at one time but not now. I know myself and I would have eventually surpassed the 8 pills that it would take to get the biggest response from them. Nee-Nee came up and I knew I had to do it without thinking so I told her that I had something for her. I reached up in the cabinet and handed her the bottle and asked her to throw them away for me. Of course she had questions, but I just told her the truth that I ran across them and I knew what I would do if I kept them. She told me that she would throw them away downstairs. I was glad she did because I knew if they were upstairs they would not be safe. God did it for me, I knew that if I waited for Noreen to leave without telling her then I would never tell her. So I had to do it without thinking.

Thank you all for your support and answers, like I said I am going to put them to use, but now I have more questions about the extent I should go, and how do I balance the spiritual side and the worldly side?

Oh yeah, one last comment to respond to. Dusty, yes Santa has a lot to hide, he sneaks into peoples houses saying that he is leaving free gifts, yet he always eats whatever is left out on the counter. Sounds like a Santa payola scandel if you ask me. What about the people that don’t leave something for him to eat? Does he avoid those places? I believe that Santa was under investigation last time I heard.

Love you all,

D.

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Day After

We had a good Thanksgiving day with Noreen’s children, it was a lot of fun. We went to Fayetteville, home of those pesky Hogs. It is always beautiful to go up into the Ozarks and see the scenery. We missed my children but the space was limited, the older children welcomed them to come but I was afraid there would be limited space and since Brandon, (Noreen’s oldest son) lives in an apartment there is not a yard only a balcony to go out on, I just didn’t think that they would have too much fun there. But they were missed very much.

The kids have a glow and an innocence about them that I hope never goes away. They know about my addiction, I was advised that I should not keep it from them even though I wanted too. It was explained to me that if they get into drugs struggle and feel like I would not understand, then found out that I kept it from them what would they think? Would they feel like they were betrayed by their own father? I felt that way sometimes while I was growing up, I found out later the things that I was doing and struggling with at times I now know my dad could have helped me with or guided me away from with his knowledge. I think with the kids knowing the hell that I am experiencing, the tough road that it is to get away from it, how messed up my childhood and most of my adult life was they would want to stay away from it. If they don’t then we will get through that together. I would rather that happen then them hide anything from me, feeling like I would be disappointed in them if they stray. I don’t want them to hide anything from me, and I don’t want to be hypocritical in that area. If I act like I have never done anything wrong, then they will act like they never do anything wrong, then we will all never truly know each other. I want them to feel like they could ask or talk to me about anything. They love me and I never romanticized drug use, never will. Nothing romantic or fun about it.

Thanksgiving and Christmas brings up good memories, but it also reminds me of holidays spent in old houses with a cut straw, or rolled up dollar bill and a broken piece of glass or magazine with speed laid out on it. Some of my holidays were spent opening up an old screen that slammed behind me, with a musty smell welcoming me in. Something about that smell reminded me of a mausoleum, it might as well have been. Dusty wood floors decorated with dusty furniture. Cob webs hanging from the corners of the walls. Heat was provided by either a wood burning stove or a gas heater. I am not describing one house in particular it just seemed that whatever house I would light in had these things in common.

I was always greeted by at least one, sometimes two at the most, other lonely people on the holidays. “Happy Thanksgiving.” “Merry Christmas.” said in a dead pan voice. Whether we meant it or not was a moot point, we weren’t there for the holidays, just company, and a high. Mostly a high. Let’s face it I can remember the places better then I can remember the names. We were just some other motorheads getting stoned and trying to numb ourselves. We never talked about what brought us there, and to that part of our lives, we had enough of our own troubles to deal with on our own. We would make small talk, and proceed to do lines and smoke a little. Then we would just sit there in silence mostly, when the speed wasn’t kicking in, then we would talk about a lot of crap. Enjoying our little high. However, looking back what was there to enjoy? Just to get inside yourself a little more, inside the darkness a little bit further.

If we were zoning out on weed when someone would speak it would be startling, and it would last a couple of sentences, then go back to silence. We would inevitably do a couple of more lines, buy a line or two to take with me, take one as a Christmas present and leave into the night. Sometimes I would end up at a Gentleman’s Club which is not a good name for that kind of place because there were never any real gentleman there. Here’s the rub, eventually I would have to go home, alone again. Even though I was basically alone anyway, even in company. What a waste of my life. Get high, zone out, thinking that you were on top of the world doing everything better then you have ever done it before. Just to realize that you were not a functioning part of society. Talking about anything and everything, when all the factual stuff was gone we would just make up stuff just to talk. We did that when we went out to town or parties and think that everyone thought we were it. We were anything but what we thought.

That was a lonely life. A dirty life, doing anything for a high. And I do mean anything. Degrading lifestyle that should not be envied by anyone. Sometimes I am afraid that it is romanticized too much by movies, and TV. There is nothing great about that lifestyle and the suffering it brings. The speed hangovers, the irritation, the sleep deprivation, the depression rather you are on it or trying to get off of it. No matter how hard they try they can never portray the emptiness inside, or the pain that goes with detoxing, the physical and the mental. The fancy camera work that they do to show the confusion is mild at best.

I have the best memories of holidays when I was growing up, that was one time that I knew we would all have fun together. My mom died and we had a different time to meet for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I separated myself from the ones that my dad had for a little while because of where I was at the time. Even when mom was alive I would sneak out early leave a house full of people to just escape again, don’t ask why, I couldn’t tell you the reason. Sometimes I would come over loaded, they would think that I was high when I wasn’t and straight when I was high. So I thought that I would seem normal, that was my defense anyway.

I am thankful for having holidays with family again, and want to make up for lost time with my family. It seems that the only time my siblings and I see each other are during the holidays, and I want to make the most out of it. I want to spend as much time with my dad as I can, make up lost time with him. We might not always see eye to eye but when we do I can see a little bit of myself in those eyes. I think that my dad did the best he could under the circumstances, I just want to be careful with my kids and let them know that I am fallible, I don’t want them to put me in a cape and call me a superhero, because I am not. I want them to learn from my mistakes and not guard them, fool or force them into thinking I am perfect. Well, I pray that you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and had plenty of leftovers, we did and do.

 D.

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Giving Thanks

Happy early Thanksgiving! I love this time of year, this is Nee-Nee and my favorite time of the year. We like Christmas too, Nee likes it because she loves to give, she is hard to buy for because she doesn’t want anything her joy comes in giving. She has given me much these last 7 years. Hope is the biggest thing. She held me tight during my withdraws, she shed many tears with me, sometimes because of me. I am thankful for her.

I am thankful for all of my kids, they are well behaved, kind and caring. I am happy that I am able to be open with them about my shortcomings and in doing so they know that I will be there for their ups and downs, without either of us judging the other. I am thankful that the children have two households that love them and care for them always. I am thankful that my divorce is peaceful and they know they don’t have to be torn between two sets of parents. I am thankful that God kept me alive when I should have and wanted to die. I see a wonderful life now. It is like blinders being pulled from the side of my eyes, I don’t have tunnel vision for now. I am thankful that I am not scurrying around looking for a fix before Thanksgiving, or looking for a junkie to spend it with. Lonely Thanksgivings indeed. I am thankful for the family that Noreen has brought into my life. I pray that they feel the same.

I am thankful for my Church family that has always been there for me through the ups and the downs. Who supported me at my lowest time, and accepting me for the lowly addict that I am without questions or judging. Accepting me back into Christ fold as He has accepted us all. I am thankful for my friends, all 2 of them, that I have left from my days of abuse. I am thankful for the struggles that come with this. I am thankful for the new friends that I have acquired since we came to Conway. I am thankful for finding a brother and friend in John Dobbs through the blog world. I am thankful for finding a loving sister and friend in Donna through this blogging thing. I am thankful for Dusty and all that he has done for me and being a friend when I needed it most. Guiding me without judgment or accusation. Sincerely caring for me, I am thankful that he is a close friend to me.

I am thankful for my blood relatives in seeing growth comes in many years, not days or months. I am thankful for my brother-in-law Jack who has put up with me and shown that he truly cares about my journey, probably more then any other person. It is hard to carry on a caring relationship long distance, but he has managed well. I am thankful for Amanda Sanders, even through her struggles and journeys she has time to offer up her shoulder to lean on. Which goes back to the Church family all who offered up their shoulders when their shoulders are already weighed down. I am thankful to you dear readers though not everyone comments my hits show that you visit, I pray that I helped with your load, as you have helped with mine.

First and last I am thankful to God and for His son who I have weighed down and pushed the crown of thorns heavily on His head for many years. I am thankful for His love and patience with me, waiting on me one of many prodigal children to come home. I am thankful to Him for all of the people and events above.

Praise God in all of His glory,

D.

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