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I do not know anymore how many hits I have in a day because I do not check it as I once did. Certain things have entered my life and I have grown tired. I know that I do not have an overabundance of readers, and that is okay. The few that come by here to check it out then this is for you. I am shutting this post down for a little bit to concentrate on my addiction site.

You can still read about how I am doing over there. I will talk the way that I want to or when I feel language is warranted, so please do not take offense if you decide to go there for the first time. At this moment I have lost my insight as far as humor goes. I find it hard at this moment to find any reason to keep this site up.

I am sure that I will return, I hope that you will also. Thank you for everyone’s comments and I hope that you will come over to my other site. If not I understand. God be with you.

D.

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Useless

This is my latest post on my other blog site for those that do not venture over there. I thought that I would share it on this one. If for nothing else but to fill a void from posting on this one.

Nee and I attended Church yesterday, and I am always amazed with what I bring out of it. I found out that I am useless. You are too. Until God uses you. No social class in God’s eyes we are the same. He can trump your biggest desire. He can use you if you let Him. I just have to let Him.

I could not have attended on a better day. I feel useless a lot with my withdrawals and depression. I feel often that everyone is so much better then me. I am nothing but a lowly drug addict. I do not understand how people cannot have God in their life and be a recovering addict. It is already difficult for me to hold onto this life with the knowledge of God. I have so many battles that God has won for me.

The fact is with us all being useless, we are all equal. God can make us powerful in His work. He is willing to give the peace, and anything that you need. Just by allowing Him into your life and admitting that you are nothing without Him. Nothing is from our credit, all to Him.

When I started this blog I know that I said I would not preach, and I am not. I am just sharing with you were my life is going. I am not here to judge, but I expect that you will not judge me either. I have been on both roads.

I have turned away from God, I have cursed God for leaving me. But He never really left me, He just waited for me to grow up. When I go through my depression I feel like I am in hell. With no escape. People all around me, yet they might as well be invisible because I do not see them for anything more then a hapless human. They cannot crawl inside my head and fix anything, they cannot give me a shot to cure me. It does not matter how many lines I put in front of me, I will have to come down sometime and that dread is often just as bad.

I realize also the more I escape with speed the less sleep I get. Which will bring more depression, anxiety, aggravation, hallucinations, and a broken sleep. When I am depressed and wanting to use, there is no escape. Even sleep is my enemy. I will have odd dreams and when I wake up, I will either feel more depressed then I did before, or the world is just a haze to me.

I am happy to know that without God I am useless. A vessel waiting to be filled. I have helped people that I did not think were listening, but it was not me. It was God. I do not like to talk to people, I am basically an introvert. If I do not have the kids or Noreen around then I would rather be by myself. I do not mind friends, but one at a time please. God opens my mouth and words come out. If I try to use my words then people usually just look at me and wonder what I just said. I have found that I should not think too hard on what to say, God will give it to me.

I have learned that even through my lowest moments, God has been with me. Jesus experienced a moment of true hell when God separated Himself from Him. But God will not allow this for us, no matter if you fall away, never believed, curse Him, etc. He is around. A complete absence of God is Hell. If my withdrawals and depression is not an absence of God, then an eternity of Hell is worse. I am not afraid of Hell, I am not going. My walk is not fear driven, but driven by faith.

Paul is one of my favorite people in the Bible. Imagine having to speak to the Jews, and Gentiles, after killing many that believe in Jesus, and then preaching His word. Someone told me once that Jesus was depressed at times, I do not believe it. I do believe that He suffered the feeling of Hell, and absence of God, which is worse. I believe that Paul suffered with depression at times. He could not shake his past. Not that he would turn back to it, he did not. He continued deep in his journey, starting many Churches and suffering persecution for his belief, and teachings. I relate to the struggles that Paul suffered. Not that I have suffered more then he did. Or stronger in my convictions then he. Just the useless feeling. He knew though that without God he was nothing. I look at the world and want to be something.

We can be something great. In our wildest dreams of what we want to be, God can double that. He can triple it, quadruple it even if He wanted. We just have to let go and let Him. That does not mean our scars fall at the wayside. They are used to make us useful to God. The beautiful thing about that last statement is I did not contradict myself.

I go to an alternative medicine doctor. She is an acupuncturist and a chiropractor also. It is really cool how she hits upon things. She was amazed that I was still hungry for a high. She found that she could not shake it from me. I will not go into specifics, but I knew that she couldn’t. She gives credit to God, so she knew that it wasn’t her that would shake it from me. It made me wonder there are people that I have talked to on both sides of the fence. Some that have shaken their addiction and have no drive to go back. This is hard for me to believe, but I am sure they are telling the truth. What gain would they have from saying different? Their are more that I talk to that are recovering and have been for many years. Withdrawals and desires pull at them out of the blue. I fall into the latter part of the group.

By studying this and the people that I talk to or read about, the connection is this. It is by what drove you to this addiction in the first place. With me several factors come into play. I was sexually abused from 5 years and up. My father acted like I was a constant disappointment, and nothing I could do was good enough for him. My mother’s side of the family were alcoholics, and my mother was addicted to pharmaceuticals. With many problems from her own youth that was never addressed and should have been. I am a product of an experiment that went horribly awry.

Many addicts that have never recovered are the ones that had something terrible happen to them at an early age. The addicts that begin to use just to join the crowd, which do not have a family disposition to addiction or alcoholism. Or that had tragedy at a later part of their life, have a better chance at shaking the addiction all together. Not to say that this is unique to everyone, I am just saying that is the majority that I see. The grip of wanting to escape is so strong that if we do not turn back to drugs we search for a Higher Power and a meaning in all of the ____ that is addiction.

Usually we search all religions. Including Buddhism, Zen, etc. just anything that offers meaning and hope. My God is my God. He is the one that looks at me as useless, but useful at the same time. He loves my little screwed-up self. I cling to Him knowing that I am nothing and He is everything. I was raised in a church that condemned me by just what they heard about me. They did not care to know about me or save me from the hell the majority had sentenced me to. They told me that I have to repent of all of my sins before I could even imagine I was going to go to Heaven and be with God. This sent me into early depression along side the dirtiness and filth that I felt for being violated. God was not my friend, He was an awesome Father that I likened to my own earthly father. Nothing I could do would ever match up to what He desired.

Only when I was in my late thirties did I realize that God is nothing like my earthly Father. He is ready to forgive. And He loves me, a sinner. He wants to give me everything. He wants me to have my inheritance, that I do not even deserve. He wants to use me, all of us, even though we are useless. Now that is love.

D.

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Follow up

I have not felt like posting these last few days, or week or whatever. If you want to know how I have been. Please visit my other site: Diary of an Addict.

Thank you,

D.

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Welcome To Dougville!

I decided to keep this post as a light post, and my other site for my darker days. It is a more explicit site so enter at your own risk.

Anyway, I am going to continue in the vein of music trivia today. I will ask a series of questions, and some messed up words that need correcting and see how many you can get correct. The winner this time gets a poster of me as one of your favorite characters! Seeing how Jimbo dissed my Ninja t-shirt I won’t do that again. Nee-Nee says it freaks her out too, so you are not the only one James. Okay, let’s begin.

1. This character  is in two bands. Name the bands, his name and what he does in both bands.

2. Who’s real name is: Marshal Mathers? Bonus point: How did he get his pseudonym?

3. Name this ex-Beatle that wrote and sung this song, along with the songs title, and correct these words: “Thought my mom sat on you.”

4. This song title appears at the beginning of the video, Rappers Delight. Though I am not a big rap fan, I will offer equal opportunity. Name this group and the year this single came out.

5. Name this group that had to change one word in their name because of copyright infringement. They enjoyed a little bit of success with a song based on a children’s story, for bonus points name the song they were known for also.

6. What bass player and guitarist was in a band called Wicked Lester before they formed the super group that rocketed them into fame in the early 1970’s?

7. This solo artist had no doubt that she would become a success. Name the artist and correct the lyrics. “I ain’t no hollow bat girl”

8. This mainstream metal group fired their original guitarist, Dave Mustain, by buying him a bus ticket home and leaving him stranded while on the road. Name this group and the group Dave went on to start.

9. Which legendary rocker and legendary folk singer joined to record an album together in 2007?

10. What song by Snow Patrol contains the lyrics, the lyrics are correct by the way.

“I don’t quite know how to say how I feel Those three words are said too much They’re not enough”

This might not be as fun as the last game, so let me know oh faithful readers which you would rather have.
until then, reach for the stars and stay out of the mud holes.
TD.

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Nostalgia

I was rummaging through some old photos of me and ran across this little gem. It was back in the late seventies, I was only 14 I think, but my testosterone was out of control! I was teased a lot because of my freakish body, and my head did not tan as well as the rest of my body did. I stopped working out and got my body back into the shape it is now. Please do not make fun of me. It was a bitter sweet time for me though, I walked down to the swimming pool and got second place in most freakish body for a fourteen year old. Who knew that they had such a thing?

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Okay, since my last post was such a big hit, I had three comments one was a return. Best post EVER! The biggest thing was the music part. This post got a whopping five hits! Whoo hoo!

So let’s play a little game that I like to call ‘Name That Misinterpreted Words to That Tune’  I know, I know another masterpiece of a title. Thank you. The rules are simple, I will put a list of misheard lyrics in no particular order and let’s see if you can give me the correct lyrics. The catch is you cannot use the Internet to look any of them up. The trust law will apply since apparently you will be on the Internet while you play. I will give a little history of the song, and the misheard lyrics. You then respond with the appropriate number (1, 2, etc.) and the correct lyrics. For bonus points you may also include the group, and the title of the song in which it came from. Okay ready? LET’S PLAY NAME THAT MISINTERPRETED WORDS TO THAT TUNE!

1. Recorded in 1969 on their Green River album this is one of the more popular misheard lyrics. ‘There’s a bathroom on the right’

2. This guitar great released this album along with his experienced band in 1967. ‘Excuse me while I kiss this guy.’ Also, ‘Excuse me while I kiss this fly’

3. This group of royalty released this song in 1975. This is off of one of their biggest selling albums causing them to release a follow up to a similar naming album in 1976. Bonus: Name the two albums and which one contained the songs with these misheard lyrics: ‘The algebra has a devil for a sidekick eeeee..’ Also from same song: ‘Scallaboosh, scallaboosh will you do the banned tango..’

4. This song was released in 1991, setting off one of the first grunge groups biggest success. This is from their Nevermind album. ‘Here we are now, in containers..’ Also from the same song: ‘A burrito, a mosquito..’

5. This Australian electrical group released this album in 1976. These are the misheard lyrics from the title song. ‘Dirty deeds and they’re done with sheep..’

6. This sleepy group released this song off of their Out of Time album which came out in 1991. ‘Let’s pee in the corner, let’s pee in the spotlight..’

7. This group left their cocoon with this hit single from their album of the same name released in 1968. ‘In a box of Velveeta..’ also: ‘In a gob of mosquitoes..’

8. Okay for the last one, you can receive multiple bonus points if you answer with the name of this group, the album it came from, the one member that was rumored to be the focus of this album, the two that remained with the original line up, and one of the main guys that have remained all the way through their career.
This is from one of this groups most concentrated effort spawning numerous tributes. ‘My head smelled just like tuba lube..’

Okay, if this goes well we will do it again. So Jimbo and Tom I need you to play along so this will be the huge success my other post was. Others that want to join in feel free. The person with the most points will win a rare ‘The Ninja Doug’ shirt with the picture that is shown here on it. You lucky devils.

The Ninja Doug

The Ninja Doug

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I wanted to start this off with the other stuff, and reaching a crescendo with my meaningful soul touching words that you will want to come back to again and again.

I wanted to put in some unfinished sayings of old cliches. I call them, uh-hum, ‘Unfinished Old Cliches’ Thank you, thank you very much.
1. Curiosity killed the cat…..but he found out what he wanted to know.
2. If these walls could talk….no one would listen because they would be bored already with their yapping.
3. Don’t count your chickens before they hatch…but it is okay if you count your chicks, and anything else you get makes for a good breakfast.
4. You can’t have your cake and eat it too…unless you have a fork and then it is okay.
5. We will cross that bridge when we get to it…who said that you were coming along with me to that bridge anyway?
6. A bird in the bush is worth nothing, but two birds caught in your gun sight is almost dinner.
7. Killing two birds with one stone…yeah, if a bird passes out in the air and dies after seeing you kill his friend with the rock in the first place.
8. A shave and a haircut…two twenties, and a shave will cost extra.

I will finish with the words to a song that has baffled me for years. ‘MacArthur Park’. If you can explain these words I would be a very happy man.

‘…Someone left the cake out in the rain, I don’t think that I can take it, it took so long to make it, and I’ll never have that recipe again.’ That is either really deep, or someone was smoking a little somethin’, somethin’. But again if you can help me, I sure would appreciate it.

Okay, now my head hurts from thinking too much, I will get to the deep stuff later. Until then, goodnight everybody!

D.

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