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Archive for the ‘anniversary’ Category

I feel like I need to offer up a lighter post, let everyone know of my journey and look back on where God has guided us thus far. When I started this journey a year ago this week, I started on my own. Keeping the secrets that I had hidden from those that I love, worried how the people that are the closest to me in my life would see me if I told them what I was dealing with. I kept this secret between God and me, believing that I could coast along and be the husband, dad, friend, brother, son, and Christian that I always appeared to be. Just cruise back onto the on ramp and join along the flow of traffic just as if nothing happened. 7 months later everything built up and I just broke down, feeling like I had to tell someone. I first told my minister and friend Dusty, I went forward at church not on anyone’s request but my own desires for a release. Prayers lifted up to the One that I felt I treated as a friend more then a guide, a true Father, a comforter, and not wanting Him to offer pain in redemption. That might not make sense to everyone, but let me continue. I was praying for Him to use me, to guide me to the road that He meant for me to be on.

After I went to God I should have gone to Noreen first, instead of anyone else. I wanted to tell someone of my struggles and I wanted it to be a neutral person. I went forward with a blanket confession, I was surrounded by people that put their hands on me and prayed over me. I thought, okay it is over now. I can move forward with my own rehabilitation. I started posting about it openly the following week after I went forward to the Church. Noreen questioned a lot of things, I think that is one reason I started I could let her see where I was without truly facing her. I was not thinking clearly. She found out that I had hidden a lot from her, that I had the junk in my drawer, I would use, come down and visit with her while I was speeding, I would tell her about people that offered it to me as I told her in the same breath that I turned them down. Truth was I was getting it from them. I would lie about my pain pills. She loves me enough that we just picked up from there without questions and a determination that we would fight this and win. 

I went public to the Church on a Wednesday night, barely able to speak as I did so. Noreen and I were worried about how this was going to effect our relationship with the church body and our friends that we have made since we have been here. Before I got up I wasn’t sure what good it was going to do. I was unsure if this is truly what God had intended for my travels and what was going to come out of it. I was scared, but I had God and Noreen with me, if we had to find another church then we would have to find another church. I already committed and when I got up it was all a blur. I blurted everything out, and sit down with my head down and with Noreen holding me throughout the rest of the service. It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. It was like having to go up to someone that you really respect and tell them the truth. As the words come out you know that once it is out there is no retraction, and from then on the relationship hinges on how they are going to take it and that there is a good chance that there will be no reconciliation. I know that God is the One that had me do this. Though I couldn’t see it then, I knew that this is what He wanted, this was part of the road that He intended.

There was a lot of tears shed, depression, withdrawal, along with that was growth. Even though I wrestled with what God wanted I never turned from Him. When I started seeing how it hit home to people in their personal journey, and started to see others that I did not even know, share their struggles with me in the same area I knew this is what God wanted. When I saw this I thought that God should lighten up on me, but He didn’t. I am glad that He didn’t because there was/is so much growth to continue. I saw a couple of people that held their hands on me and prayed over me that later when they found out felt uncomfortable around me. I was not upset about this, but was curious of how God was touching them in their journey.

I know that my post are dark at times, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t see God traveling with Noreen and me. I know that this is life, and God never promised a rose garden without the thorns. The church family is wonderful and supportive, what a blessing. Noreen is my biggest earthly support what a blessing. I was advised to let the kids know in case they encountered struggles, and that they would know that I am not hiding anything from them. They accepted it with love and support, what a blessing. My sister and brother-in-law read my post and have been supportive and the relationship is stronger then it has ever been, what a blessing. My friend Jimbo is supportive and growing in his way, which in return helps me to grow closer to God, what a blessing. I have a better relationship with my dad, something I have always prayed for, what a blessing. God is constantly watching over Noreen and me what a blessing.

I struggle with depression, that is from my brain misfiring from what I have done. God never gave me a straw to put anything up my nose. He gave me living water, but not water to down pills that will help me escape. He offered an escape that I avoided and chose my own. I have found that my own path was not a good one, I chose His and as a good Father does to His children He has made the road with love and discipline. I made my bed and if I want out of it I have to struggle to grow. Growth with struggle is growth that stays with you. If it was simple enough just to have faith with no struggle I would fall time and time again knowing that the road back would be littered with feathers. God loves me in my struggles, what a blessing. He will make me stronger then I have ever been, what a blessing. How would I know others pain in their journey if I haven’t felt the pain in my own? How could I offer a hand if I have not been offered a hand? What a blessing.

I am growing daily, some of those days are dark, but not everyday as it was in the beginning. I am poking my head out of my shell, and I am seeing a person that I have always longed to be, but was too deep in a dark shell that I could not see clearly in the mirror. I have my scars, just like those that are physically noticeable that will stay with me throughout this life. My post are going to be dark but that is the journey. But there is light, might be small to those who don’t understand the dark, but as I mentioned in a comment in my experiences when you are in the dark a pin light can shine like the sun. Jesus, Paul, Peter, etc had their scars that they carried with them. All Christians do I believe. Mine are more in the open, and I think that might prick sometimes at others scars that are more hidden and showing a desire that they stay that way, in fear of how the road might chance in allowing growth outside of those scars. What a blessing.

D.

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Anniversary

I am now celebrating my 42 yrs of life. I would like to think my mom and dad for bringing me into this world. To my sisters Jan and Jackie for tickling me senseless, allowing me to be their living dress up doll at will, dressing me up as a beggar to solicit money when mom and dad had company, and many other things to prepare me for the harsh realities of the world. To my big brother: a wrestling partner, putting me in holds so that I would know how to get out of a figure four leg lock just in case someone decided to put me in one later, tying me up until I figured out how to break free just in case someone did it to me later, or if I decided to ever become a magician. It is a lucky thing that I am the youngest, or I don’t know if I would have survived life thus far.

Overall I have had a good life. Though somethings I would not like to go through again, I would not change a thing. I have a wonderful wife, wonderful kids, wonderful Church family. I had a loving family growing up, my dad was a great playmate, caring, a wonderful teacher. My mom was a loving, caring person and a great friend. They raised us in a Christian environment, and they both taught me a thing or two about cooking, one recipe mom taught me was how to make a mean mud pie, which I still make to this day. ( Noreen refuses to eat on mud pie night, go figure. ) I told you about my sisters and brother, I love them. I looked up to them so much that I would have happily gone through what I did and so much more.

I pray that when my kids reach this age that they will look back and see how much everyone loved them. I pray that they see the support base, and a Christian attitude in all that have an influence in their life. I pray that they won’t give me grief as they get older and try and find themselves. I don’t think they will, but if they do, I pray that the ties that bind are strong enough to turn them around and see that they are truly loved.

I love you daddy, Jan, Jackie, Mike, Nee-Nee, Brittany, Anthony, Jamie, Kati, and everyone else that has sneaked into my life. I love and miss you granddad, grandmother, mom, and all the others that have sneaked out of my life, but not out of my heart. The things that all of you have taught me: priceless.

D.

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