Saturday and Sunday were two good days for me, up until Sunday night. I went to bed and as I was laying there I started getting a feeling, a craving. It just came up on me out of nowhere a deep hunger. It scared me, I wanted to get up and find something to feed it. Despair came upon me when I realized that I had nothing to squelch the screaming that was inside. Noreen was beside me but I think I could have been surrounded by hundreds of people and still felt alone. I put on a relaxation tape to help get me to ease up and find rest. After wrestling with myself for a while I eventually fell asleep, just to wake up the next morning to the familiar feeling.
I can’t explain the feeling other then it was an unquenchable hunger. If you smoke it is like going without a cigarette for an extended period of time, you crave it. I wrestle with this feeling, knowing that I have this and there is only one thing that can make it go away, and that something is the one thing I have sworn off. I want to scream, I feel like I am speeding now, I feel that it is cruelly mocking me.
I went to the lock and dam Monday, it was a pleasant day and Noreen suggested fresh air might help. So I took my drawing supplies, my Bible and some paper work that I needed to do. I finished the paper work, and started drawing. My hand started to shake and the feeling came back. I don’t know if Noreen had an intuition or not but she called about the same time. As I answered my voice began to crack, and tears started to flow. She told me to come home, if I felt like I could make it back safely.
I went to visit with Dusty today and ran an errand with him, he asked me how I was doing and I just told him I was doing ‘good’, he said that it didn’t sound like it. Am I that obvious? I am sure I am. I was glad that I was with him, we talked and the feeling had never left me but it was good to have someone to talk to, again though I felt alone. I want the feeling to go away. It is almost like an anxiety attack in that I want to get up and make it go away.
I think about getting high, even though realistically I know that it would be a fleeting fix. But anything that would make this feeling go away. The paradox is the thing that would make me feel better is the thing that would make everything worse. One of my favorite songs is ‘Hate Me’ by Blue October. Noreen stops me from listening to it because of how it effects me. The end of the chorus goes: ‘Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you.’ I feel that way sometimes, it would be easier instead of her going through this hell with me. I won’t go back, I have to keep saying that. So much to lose, but how do you fight back when you are in a personal fight? A war inside that no one else can see. I know that there is a lot of advice to be given, some that says straighten up, get it our of your head, get over yourself. I wish I could, these are things that I tell myself all the time. I feel so weak, I pray that God carries me through this. I pray that there is an end to this feeling, but I can’t seem to rest even during the good days. It feels that it hangs around waiting for me to let my guard down.
D.
Dougville Pop. 1 