This is my latest post on my other blog site for those that do not venture over there. I thought that I would share it on this one. If for nothing else but to fill a void from posting on this one.
Nee and I attended Church yesterday, and I am always amazed with what I bring out of it. I found out that I am useless. You are too. Until God uses you. No social class in God’s eyes we are the same. He can trump your biggest desire. He can use you if you let Him. I just have to let Him.
I could not have attended on a better day. I feel useless a lot with my withdrawals and depression. I feel often that everyone is so much better then me. I am nothing but a lowly drug addict. I do not understand how people cannot have God in their life and be a recovering addict. It is already difficult for me to hold onto this life with the knowledge of God. I have so many battles that God has won for me.
The fact is with us all being useless, we are all equal. God can make us powerful in His work. He is willing to give the peace, and anything that you need. Just by allowing Him into your life and admitting that you are nothing without Him. Nothing is from our credit, all to Him.
When I started this blog I know that I said I would not preach, and I am not. I am just sharing with you were my life is going. I am not here to judge, but I expect that you will not judge me either. I have been on both roads.
I have turned away from God, I have cursed God for leaving me. But He never really left me, He just waited for me to grow up. When I go through my depression I feel like I am in hell. With no escape. People all around me, yet they might as well be invisible because I do not see them for anything more then a hapless human. They cannot crawl inside my head and fix anything, they cannot give me a shot to cure me. It does not matter how many lines I put in front of me, I will have to come down sometime and that dread is often just as bad.
I realize also the more I escape with speed the less sleep I get. Which will bring more depression, anxiety, aggravation, hallucinations, and a broken sleep. When I am depressed and wanting to use, there is no escape. Even sleep is my enemy. I will have odd dreams and when I wake up, I will either feel more depressed then I did before, or the world is just a haze to me.
I am happy to know that without God I am useless. A vessel waiting to be filled. I have helped people that I did not think were listening, but it was not me. It was God. I do not like to talk to people, I am basically an introvert. If I do not have the kids or Noreen around then I would rather be by myself. I do not mind friends, but one at a time please. God opens my mouth and words come out. If I try to use my words then people usually just look at me and wonder what I just said. I have found that I should not think too hard on what to say, God will give it to me.
I have learned that even through my lowest moments, God has been with me. Jesus experienced a moment of true hell when God separated Himself from Him. But God will not allow this for us, no matter if you fall away, never believed, curse Him, etc. He is around. A complete absence of God is Hell. If my withdrawals and depression is not an absence of God, then an eternity of Hell is worse. I am not afraid of Hell, I am not going. My walk is not fear driven, but driven by faith.
Paul is one of my favorite people in the Bible. Imagine having to speak to the Jews, and Gentiles, after killing many that believe in Jesus, and then preaching His word. Someone told me once that Jesus was depressed at times, I do not believe it. I do believe that He suffered the feeling of Hell, and absence of God, which is worse. I believe that Paul suffered with depression at times. He could not shake his past. Not that he would turn back to it, he did not. He continued deep in his journey, starting many Churches and suffering persecution for his belief, and teachings. I relate to the struggles that Paul suffered. Not that I have suffered more then he did. Or stronger in my convictions then he. Just the useless feeling. He knew though that without God he was nothing. I look at the world and want to be something.
We can be something great. In our wildest dreams of what we want to be, God can double that. He can triple it, quadruple it even if He wanted. We just have to let go and let Him. That does not mean our scars fall at the wayside. They are used to make us useful to God. The beautiful thing about that last statement is I did not contradict myself.
I go to an alternative medicine doctor. She is an acupuncturist and a chiropractor also. It is really cool how she hits upon things. She was amazed that I was still hungry for a high. She found that she could not shake it from me. I will not go into specifics, but I knew that she couldn’t. She gives credit to God, so she knew that it wasn’t her that would shake it from me. It made me wonder there are people that I have talked to on both sides of the fence. Some that have shaken their addiction and have no drive to go back. This is hard for me to believe, but I am sure they are telling the truth. What gain would they have from saying different? Their are more that I talk to that are recovering and have been for many years. Withdrawals and desires pull at them out of the blue. I fall into the latter part of the group.
By studying this and the people that I talk to or read about, the connection is this. It is by what drove you to this addiction in the first place. With me several factors come into play. I was sexually abused from 5 years and up. My father acted like I was a constant disappointment, and nothing I could do was good enough for him. My mother’s side of the family were alcoholics, and my mother was addicted to pharmaceuticals. With many problems from her own youth that was never addressed and should have been. I am a product of an experiment that went horribly awry.
Many addicts that have never recovered are the ones that had something terrible happen to them at an early age. The addicts that begin to use just to join the crowd, which do not have a family disposition to addiction or alcoholism. Or that had tragedy at a later part of their life, have a better chance at shaking the addiction all together. Not to say that this is unique to everyone, I am just saying that is the majority that I see. The grip of wanting to escape is so strong that if we do not turn back to drugs we search for a Higher Power and a meaning in all of the ____ that is addiction.
Usually we search all religions. Including Buddhism, Zen, etc. just anything that offers meaning and hope. My God is my God. He is the one that looks at me as useless, but useful at the same time. He loves my little screwed-up self. I cling to Him knowing that I am nothing and He is everything. I was raised in a church that condemned me by just what they heard about me. They did not care to know about me or save me from the hell the majority had sentenced me to. They told me that I have to repent of all of my sins before I could even imagine I was going to go to Heaven and be with God. This sent me into early depression along side the dirtiness and filth that I felt for being violated. God was not my friend, He was an awesome Father that I likened to my own earthly father. Nothing I could do would ever match up to what He desired.
Only when I was in my late thirties did I realize that God is nothing like my earthly Father. He is ready to forgive. And He loves me, a sinner. He wants to give me everything. He wants me to have my inheritance, that I do not even deserve. He wants to use me, all of us, even though we are useless. Now that is love.