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I wanted to start this off with the other stuff, and reaching a crescendo with my meaningful soul touching words that you will want to come back to again and again.

I wanted to put in some unfinished sayings of old cliches. I call them, uh-hum, ‘Unfinished Old Cliches’ Thank you, thank you very much.
1. Curiosity killed the cat…..but he found out what he wanted to know.
2. If these walls could talk….no one would listen because they would be bored already with their yapping.
3. Don’t count your chickens before they hatch…but it is okay if you count your chicks, and anything else you get makes for a good breakfast.
4. You can’t have your cake and eat it too…unless you have a fork and then it is okay.
5. We will cross that bridge when we get to it…who said that you were coming along with me to that bridge anyway?
6. A bird in the bush is worth nothing, but two birds caught in your gun sight is almost dinner.
7. Killing two birds with one stone…yeah, if a bird passes out in the air and dies after seeing you kill his friend with the rock in the first place.
8. A shave and a haircut…two twenties, and a shave will cost extra.

I will finish with the words to a song that has baffled me for years. ‘MacArthur Park’. If you can explain these words I would be a very happy man.

‘…Someone left the cake out in the rain, I don’t think that I can take it, it took so long to make it, and I’ll never have that recipe again.’ That is either really deep, or someone was smoking a little somethin’, somethin’. But again if you can help me, I sure would appreciate it.

Okay, now my head hurts from thinking too much, I will get to the deep stuff later. Until then, goodnight everybody!

D.

God Sent The Shooter

I have been so involved in my other blog that I almost forgot about this one. Nee-Nee said that it was time to work on this one. I picked a day that I unfortunately have a lot of work that needs to be done, like clipping my toe nails, catching up on my Spongebob that I TiVoed, try out the other side of the couch for a change, etc. So if I rush through this and it is not written well, then just realize that I am rushed on time.

I saw this sign on the news this morning: God sent the shooter. It was held during a protest outside the funeral for Bill Gwatney, because he was a democrat of all things. These people were from a Baptist church in Topeka, Kansas. They usually protest during military funerals. This time another group was there to make sure that peace was kept. Another sign said: Don’t worship your dead.

A few things really made me think. I tried not to get mad about something that I did not fully understand. I was hurt for how they tried to speak for God. One thing that I felt was how this makes the religious community look. It echoes back to the shootings and bombings of the abortion clinics. Killing in the name of God to stop more killing in an area that is not fully understood. I do not condone abortion for abortion sake, but there are circumstances that merit it, I guess, but that is between the woman, Doctor and God. Not for me to decide who is doing it for the wrong reason and the right. I do know from my personal experiences that I have known two very different people that have had an abortion. One that would get knocked up and go have an abortion willy nilly. I had a hard time with that. I also knew a woman that had an abortion because of a genetic issue. She had a hard time with that. She was kicked out of a clinic for voicing her opinion on someone that was bragging on how many different abortions she had. It was a very difficult time for her, and I am sure that it still is. I used to wear CK One, the duel gender cologne, she used to wear the same. When she smelled it on me, she would become withdrawn and sad. Scent is one of our strongest senses for memories, and this brought back tough ones for her.

I also thought about the Baptist churches around the country, and what they must feel about this. Some I am sure condone it, not just in the Baptist community, but other organized religions also. But I have to believe, and this is just an assumption on my part, that most of them do not agree with this. Some people that are having a hard time with spirituality in the first place will definitely use this as fodder to fuel the fight against religion and the senseless calloused attitude that it brings in their eyes.

Forget for a minute the religious connection in this horrendous act that they performed, and leave God to judge them. Look at this in a social setting, with it being in a societal aspect then you are dragged into it also. I see this as a big in your face statement that this is how we are as a society. We do not carry the signs with us in a visual sense, not in a solid state that people can see as they walk by you. But it is seen none the less hanging around your neck. Hatred boiling over in your belief of what makes up the character of an individual. If they don’t act as a person should, or speak in an appropriate way that is deemed worthy in our social norm, then we as a part of that society are quick to jump and speak words that cut deep and are hard to take back. The tongue is as sharp as a two edged sword.

As an addict I find this to be especially true. In a world that holds a strict sin rating system it seems that addicts rate at least a nine out of ten on that ranking system. Murderers depending on the reasoning, like a robber that gets shot for breaking and entering, the shooter is then justified in taking a life, as long as it is not excessive. So if a person kills the other with no more then two shots then they are justified. If more, then the killing was more personal as opposed to not. In our society the killer that has a good shot might be ranked below an addict, as the person that is not that great of a shot will be labeled a cold blooded killer, probably a ten in our ranking system. Easier for the first person to be forgiven and the second one will have a harder road to go if he ever wanted forgiveness.

Jesus checked our hearts, not the signs that we wave in the air for ‘justice’ sake. A harlot that was about to be stoned whom apparently ranked a ten plus on their scale was approached and ultimately saved by Jesus. In their social view the men that slept with the harlot ranked way lower, if it found a ranking at all.

I wrote a post on my other blog similar to this entitled: Approach and Remove Your Robe. Before you get up in arms about the people that were protesting and the blasphemous signs that they sported. Look at your own sign and see what blasphemous words it has on it that the world is reading. The mentality of; ‘acting like I say, not as I do’ is a funny phrase sometimes that we use on our children. But it does have a deeper meaning to the secular part of this society. We as a society make up the social views, and we all have our take on what that entails. We as Christians are set up by God, for Christ as referees of sort. There are more then two groups, but let’s narrow it down to two. The religious fanatics that are caught up in what they refer to as moral issues, using the almighty God in their battle and hiding behind His stiff upper hand. Not allowing the secular world, who is caught up in their own moral issues, to see the loving hand of God. This is actually God’s strongest hand, in fact love is God, God is love. It is up to us as followers of Christ to speak as Christ would speak.

To put the playbook in perspective we need to put our signs down, and lead by example. Forgiving, we are not to back stab someone for not having the views we hold them to and then not holding ourselves to the same views. The big argument that I hear the most is this; ‘I am not talking about me here. We are talking about what you did wrong. Don’t turn this back on me, I am talking about you. I will take care of that later.’ We have the uncanny talent of being able to talk in detail of what is wrong with the other person, yet our tongues do not want to speak of what is wrong with us. Our minds cannot grasp that we are anything but perfection personified.

We do not know how God works or the way that He does. In my mind He did not send the shooter for Mr. Gwatney, but will He use it for good? He has that ability to use all things for good. The family and friends that are effected by this horrible injustice might not see the good yet, and it might be a growth that takes days, weeks, or even years to see. But if they do not focus on the signs, not just the signs of the protesters, then I believe God will guide them out of this too.

When you are tempted in opening your mouth to chastise because someone did not act the way you believed they should have, or did something that you know you would have done different. Instead of spewing hateful words out that cannot be taken back, as the shooter could not take back the shots he fired. Know that God can. He is more then able to judge, and He is more then able to forgive. It is our duty out of love that is shown to us daily by Christ our Lord and Saviour to lay our weapon down, and offer a hand. Think before you pull back the hammer of your tongue to fire, for you might be questioned: Did God send you to do this? What will your answer be then?

D.

I watched a story today on the news that a Colorado Springs preacher is calling people to pray for rain during Barack Obama’s speech that is to be held at Invesco field. Of course he said that he does not want anyone hurt, but he wants it to come a good rain during his speech. Isn’t there better ways to pray then this?

Why doesn’t he call people to pray that God will guide our decisions in getting a President that will guide us in the direction He desires? This is my call to you dear readers, the 10 or 20 that visit this site, I ask you to pray that God guides us in the direction that will further our love for Him.

When I was younger, my Mom would have to remind me to take my glass, or plate into the kitchen. I made the mistake one time in telling her that she needed to say the magic word. Which for you that are unfamiliar with magic words, they are please and thank you. She was quick in pointing out that she should not have to tell me please when it is something that I know I should do in the first place. After I completed the task at hand I would expect a ‘thank you’ also for doing such an awesome job taking my dinner ware into the kitchen, never got one.

This is how I treat God also. I come to Him in prayer, I help people, I guide people to Him, I do countless things for Him, in His name. I even make sure that I tell people that it wasn’t me, but glory to God. How does He thank me for it? A flat tire, money that does not last until the next payday, withdrawals, depression, etc. Does He ever say please? Every once in awhile He will clear my eyes in seeing the blessings in these things. The money at the time to fix the flat tire, having food and bills paid between paydays, withdrawals and depression, well, trials that when He pulls me out of them, I become stronger, and learn.

Sometimes my prayers become shorter, and the distance between them could be 24 hours or longer for a real conversation, and communion with Him. Sometimes I come to Him with a heavy heart. Thinking while I pray about getting caught up in my sinful nature. While I am talking to Him, little schemes come to mind about medicine, language, smoking a cigarette after I get through and how well it will taste, even thoughts of being pious and righteous come to mind. I try and shake these trying to remember where I left off in my prayer.

I know that we cannot come to God with a perfect, sinless mind and heart, but these are things that I need to work on. He wants us to pay attention to Him, having a conversation together, and sometimes just coming to Him for plain, old fashioned comfort. I was once in danger of thinking that I had to be perfect, repenting of every last one of my sins by name. Impossible to do, so I thought that I was doomed for sure. Isn’t it nice to know that we can come to God imperfect? Just sharing time with Him. While His thank yous might not always be noticeable right off, if we listen hard enough we can hear them. His pleases are not needed, we are to long for a relationship with Him in the first place. He will not force us into it, and He will not beg us for it. He longs for us, and we should long for Him.

Do not pray for rain, or ill will toward anyone. Instead pray for wellness for those who despise you, pray guidance not an interruption of that guidance, pray that He gives us knowledge to be directed in His way, not the worlds. Pray just for comfort in His presence. If you come to Him with a heavy heart lay it down at His feet, He understands us, He has seen what caused that heavy heart, and He knows the cure.

D.

I looked back on my other post and I see negativity with a little sprinkle of praise. I have been going through withdrawals as you know. But how God works through this is incredible to me. I fight within myself, a struggle where I am all that I see. I do not want anyone to care about me. If someone cares for me it is on my shoulders not to disappoint them. I would rather bare the pain then share the pain. Some of that is out of caring for these people but some of it is because, as I said in my last post, the narcissistic lifestyle.

I want to continue in my lifestyle how dare you enter and make your life harder then it has to be? Just leave me alone. I am not myself until the drugs kick in and then I will be okay. I have even told God that, but He does not listen to me too well, He just seems to bring more and more people into my life that makes it harder to turn back. How dare He? That is mine. How can He put people in my path that will eventually get hurt. Does He not care about these people? Why does He put everyone in that situation?

But praise Him. Praise God for putting up with a fool like me. For reaching His hand out to me when I was swatting it away. I am glad for His hand in my face, on my arm and holding others close to me through the times of trial. They have Him to lean on also. When I started this journey I foolishly thought that things were going to get better. Day by day I had this delusive idea that I was going to get further and further away from it. But that was not the case. It was like a smoker that quits smoking and then gets lung cancer, I thought, ‘What’s the use in quitting?’ I refused the idea that I was an addict even though I had already admitted it to everyone and their dog.

God wiped the film from my eyes. It took awhile, but it was in His time that He did. I began to see more and more people around me, they were there the whole time, but I started to appreciate their presence. The pain that I feel in talking to addicts and posting on my other web site, which I am updating by the way. This is a pain that is needed to remind me not to go back into that lifestyle. The sick feeling, the withdrawals that inevitably come from doing these things, actually help me see the wonderful life that God has given me. My mood swings come and go, sometimes I do not want to see people that care for me. But not as much because of my selfish thoughts, but now for the fact that they have so much invested in me. Even though they might not realize this, it is true.

Amanda Sanders my wonderful sister in Christ, We really began to know each other when we spoke separately on a Wednesday night. She has been a great support and I hope that God has used me in the same way with her and her family. Dusty my wonderful support and good friend that will not let me get too far into a funk, Steve Floyd, Jason Turner, Bea Eichmann, Martha Hicks, the list goes on and on. These people might have a lot in common, but one thing the definitely share is the fact that they are part of my Church family. I find another person joining my life daily, the newest being the assistant that works here. Her name is Chris and a day does not go by that she does not praise God. Her and Nee-Nee have become instant friends and she prays for me constantly. As we do for her.

More people at Church that I knew were there, but have not talked to very much. Have either approached me or I have approached them. The base that God is building for me seems as if it is growing daily. I still have a feeling at times during the mood swings with my withdrawals that I want everyone just to go away, and leave me alone. But God does not allow this, He just builds the army up. He is using me now more and more, and even though the things He is using me for almost makes me physically sick, and mentally drained. I feel like I am being added to the soldiers to surround this person. And then He uses that person to be another soldier and it just grows and grows.

I see or talk to an addict and God allows me to see the lifestyle that I was once in and reminds me that I do not want to be a part of that anymore. He does this with my withdrawals. He also shows me if I had control and did knock everyone that cares out of my life, what a sad, lonely, desperate life it would be.

Praise God for my withdrawals. Praise God for my illness. Praise God when I am at my lowest because I am learning more at that time then I do during the best of days. Praise God for soldiers. Praise God for using me as a soldier. Praise God for the days I feel like I am dead, for in those days I am more alive then ever.

D.

A Bitter Taste

I was talking to an addict the other day. Not really for him but more for his parents. It was so exhausting, I talked to him alone, that way he would not feel any pressure from his father or other family members. As I talked to him we both saw that we had a lot in common. Most addicts do. I will not get into to much of the conversation with him because I want to respect his privacy and it would feel like I betrayed him in a way.

The first thing I said though when we sit down outside is, ‘I am going to be honest, and you know this as well as I do. If you are not ready to quit then you are not going to.’ He agreed, I do not think that he was ready. Some of the things he said to me was a quarter interested, and three quarters not. About the only thing he did say toward quitting was that he has a wife and a kid he needs to think about. I struggled with talking to him, I asked if he had withdrawals yet and he just said a couple, I do not think that he has been clean for as long a he told me he was. That saddened me.

I felt sick while we talked. I mean, I felt like I could literally have thrown up. To see the stuff that is inside me and bringing out the knowledge that he and I shared. The only thing that separated us was the fact that I turned down a different road and he is still there. But our roads were parallel to each other. I think that is what sickened me the most, I saw myself in him. If he isn’t 21 yet he was close to it, I thought of myself at that age and how much I had seen already and the things to come in the next twenty-two years. I get the same feeling when I write on my other blog site, a sick feeling that sticks with me for a few days afterwards. It drains me, I had dreams about using.

Noreen and I thought that it would help, and this is what God wants. I still think that. He puts people in our paths and we need to use everything that we have, and at times that means we have to be uncomfortable at times. She stated that she was worried that now I have a connection. I did not tell her until then I thought the same thing too. I know that if I wanted I could have scored that day. I was told some things that day that I already knew, but hid from myself. Here it was the same ideas being brought out into the open, being thrown at me like darts hitting the center of a dart board. It is okay if I have them in my thoughts because at times I can dismiss them as being silly or not something that I would seek out. But when someone reaches inside you and pulls out your darkest thoughts and shows them to you, it is different.

He did not mean to, it was the same tactics that I used. The problem with addicts is we are all narcissistic. Sociopath tendencies, I know I use that term loosely, but I feel that is the truth. Little regard for others, and we mainly like to be alone so we won’t be judged. I could not tell his parents that I made any head way, but I do feel like I gave him someone to turn to. Someone that is not in a position to judge.

I hate withdrawals they seem to sneak up on you without warning. They take over completely, like a symbiote taking over my whole body. I push away everyone, I want to be left alone and not hurt anyone with my words. I go within my self, and I do not like it in there. This is the height of the narcissistic attitude, if it wasn’t for the little bit of Doug that is left during them, then I would have no one afterwards. Curling up in the bed and becoming a shell. I thankfully have my support group, even if they say nothing they are in the back of my head, the part of my brain that it has not touched. My kids, friends, Church family, and Noreen. You see Noreen is there to pull me out of it. Letting me get away from the world for just a minute and bringing me back in when she knows I need to be back in.

She takes the brunt of all of it. The mood swings, me snapping at nothing but all I see is the mountain of trash and I need someone up there with me. It is like a dream when the words of untruth are coming out of my mouth. She has told me she knows then that I am having withdrawals. I like to think that I have gotten better, but now sometimes I will not even talk, just listen to her and know that I keep my mouth shut until it passes. This worries her too, so I salute Noreen. A person has to be strong dealing with an addict.

I am always taken back when I come out and admit to someone that does not know I am an addict. I told one of my nephews and his step-dad at Christmas that I am an addict, and they just looked at me, like, ‘Yeah, what else is new?’ My nephew even said, ” Yeah, and..?” This has happened when I tell people that I did not think knew me well enough to think that. As I talked to this guy, not a kid he lost that title a long time ago, I realized that I never hid anything. I always wore a label no matter what I had on my body. No matter what clothes I wore, or how short I cut my hair. Nothing could hide the sign that hangs around my neck.

D.

Okay, a lot of colleges take songs and analyze them. Especially the song by Don McLean ‘American Pie’. I wanted to be the first before these big wigs try to analyze one of my favorite songs, ‘I’m Henry The 8th I Am’ by that intellectual hippy group; Herman’s Hermits. I could probably do a post analyzing that name, but we will save that for later.

I’m Henry the 8th I am
Henry the 8th I am, I am- This is showing that he is indeed the 8th Henry that she has married. This would indicate psychological scars. Not only on the woman next door, but also this poor man who just happened to be named, Henry.

I got married to the widow next door. – or as I like to refer to her; “The black widow”. Just like the spider who kills her mate after childbirth. You will notice that Henry never mentions how many kids she actually has. Very peculiar indeed.
She’s been married 7 times before. – This is stating that she has indeed been married 7 times before. And since she is referred to as a widow, well we can just assume the rest can’t we?

And everyone was an Henery, (Henery)- I find this peculiar on two levels. First incorrect placement of ‘an’ showing that this ‘Henery’ was not very bright, leading one to believe that this is what the good widow looks for in a man. Also, the mispronunciation of his own name which is supposed to be: Henry. This also shows a slight possible speech impediment, but only on his own name. Could this be a Freudian slip suggesting that he would rather not put himself in the same category as the Henry’s, or Henries?

She wouldn’t have a Willy or a Sam. (No Sam)- Isn’t this a little bias? Notice the emphasis on Sam. She really does not like Sam for some unknown reason. We can only speculate that this is a deep ceded trauma probably experienced in childhood.

I’m her eighth old man, I’m Henery- Notice the repeated mispronunciation of Henry again separating himself from all the others. Yet with the way that this verse is stated he is unconsciously saying that there will probably be more. Looking at this from a legal perspective, how many times can a person be married under the law?

Henery the 8th I am- We notice here that this latest victim is very proud to be the 8th Henry that this lady has picked. How old is she? How young is he? How long did the past marriages last? These are questions that we have to ask to get to the center of this very destructive relationship.

Second verse same as the first – This indicates that he does not have much to say about the subject except to brag a little bit on being the 8th Henry, or ‘Henery’ as he is referred to in much of the song.

The song goes on the same with two repeats of the first verse, and then with a peculiar twist he begins to spell his name as Henry, but pronounces it still as ‘Henery’ as if he wants a certain association at first, but feels like he still has the need to separate himself.

H-e-n-r-y – Yes that is the spelling of Henry, not Henery.
Henery (Henery)
Henery (Henery)
Henery the 8th I am, I am – Again recanting the fact that he is indeed the 8th.
Henery the 8th I am- One last time for emphasis.

-Then peculiarly enough Henry adds a final, ‘Yeah!’ as in saying, “Yes, I am the 8th Henry and we have been married for a whole week now, which is the longest this lady has been married. I hope that I am the final one, and this time maybe I will outlive her.”

I am back and I want to plug my new site, An Addicts Diary be forewarned this is a straight up addiction site with graphic language, and stories. I hope to provide an outreach for addicts and I have included addiction help sites since I am not a counselor. I just want to offer a safe place for addicts, their friends, family, and those concerned to freely speak without judgment. I will share my stories and struggles that I still have, while maintaining this site to keep you updated on where I am at in my journey.

Speaking of my journey, I went to the Psych about a week or two ago and she diagnosed my ADD. She said that she had diagnosed it sooner, but with addicts they have to evaluate and dig a little deeper because the medicine contains amphetamines. I knew that, she knew that I knew that, and to be honest I was hoping that I would score Adderall, a quick acting speed. Let me explain before you think that I was making it up to get some, I wasn’t. I have always had difficulty in the areas that I said I do, I also knew about the medicine and I was not fooling her. I think a part of me did not want to fool her, I was afraid that I would abuse it, no, I know that I would abuse it.

This was a weird situation for me. I felt like I was conning but in a reverse way. I really was concerned about my ADD, yet I knew about the medicine, so I did not want to push the subject because I did not want her thinking that I wanted the Adderall, which I would not have minded having. Strange, the mind of an addict is. Anyway she put me on this new experimental medication which is not a drug. It contains amphetamine but it does not turn into it until it hits your stomach acid. So you cannot actually snort it like you can Ritalin, or Adderall. And the amphetamine cannot be extracted from the medicine, since it is not in an active form until it mixes with your acids. It is time released, the person taking it does not realize when it kicks in and does not know when they have come down from it. There is not a crash as you get with speed. It lasts twelve hours, and I take it only when I need it, like when I am driving, studying, or in a social situation.

The first couple of days it helped me, I can still feel it helping sometimes but I am sure that she will adjust it as she sees fit. I was relieved and a little disappointed at the same time. But now I am just relieved. It feels good, even if it is just for a minute or two, to focus again. Noreen has it literally under lock and key. The doctor recommended this, and plus Noreen counts my pills and she found that I took two instead of one. She gives them to me when I need them. I admit I have looked for her hiding spot, but I found out she actually locked them up and she is the only one with a key. Good for her.

Well that is about it for today, or right now anyway. Thank you all for staying with me through my mental Dusty breakdown.

TD.