Trying to Keep God Away

I looked back on my other post and I see negativity with a little sprinkle of praise. I have been going through withdrawals as you know. But how God works through this is incredible to me. I fight within myself, a struggle where I am all that I see. I do not want anyone to care about me. If someone cares for me it is on my shoulders not to disappoint them. I would rather bare the pain then share the pain. Some of that is out of caring for these people but some of it is because, as I said in my last post, the narcissistic lifestyle.

I want to continue in my lifestyle how dare you enter and make your life harder then it has to be? Just leave me alone. I am not myself until the drugs kick in and then I will be okay. I have even told God that, but He does not listen to me too well, He just seems to bring more and more people into my life that makes it harder to turn back. How dare He? That is mine. How can He put people in my path that will eventually get hurt. Does He not care about these people? Why does He put everyone in that situation?

But praise Him. Praise God for putting up with a fool like me. For reaching His hand out to me when I was swatting it away. I am glad for His hand in my face, on my arm and holding others close to me through the times of trial. They have Him to lean on also. When I started this journey I foolishly thought that things were going to get better. Day by day I had this delusive idea that I was going to get further and further away from it. But that was not the case. It was like a smoker that quits smoking and then gets lung cancer, I thought, ‘What’s the use in quitting?’ I refused the idea that I was an addict even though I had already admitted it to everyone and their dog.

God wiped the film from my eyes. It took awhile, but it was in His time that He did. I began to see more and more people around me, they were there the whole time, but I started to appreciate their presence. The pain that I feel in talking to addicts and posting on my other web site, which I am updating by the way. This is a pain that is needed to remind me not to go back into that lifestyle. The sick feeling, the withdrawals that inevitably come from doing these things, actually help me see the wonderful life that God has given me. My mood swings come and go, sometimes I do not want to see people that care for me. But not as much because of my selfish thoughts, but now for the fact that they have so much invested in me. Even though they might not realize this, it is true.

Amanda Sanders my wonderful sister in Christ, We really began to know each other when we spoke separately on a Wednesday night. She has been a great support and I hope that God has used me in the same way with her and her family. Dusty my wonderful support and good friend that will not let me get too far into a funk, Steve Floyd, Jason Turner, Bea Eichmann, Martha Hicks, the list goes on and on. These people might have a lot in common, but one thing the definitely share is the fact that they are part of my Church family. I find another person joining my life daily, the newest being the assistant that works here. Her name is Chris and a day does not go by that she does not praise God. Her and Nee-Nee have become instant friends and she prays for me constantly. As we do for her.

More people at Church that I knew were there, but have not talked to very much. Have either approached me or I have approached them. The base that God is building for me seems as if it is growing daily. I still have a feeling at times during the mood swings with my withdrawals that I want everyone just to go away, and leave me alone. But God does not allow this, He just builds the army up. He is using me now more and more, and even though the things He is using me for almost makes me physically sick, and mentally drained. I feel like I am being added to the soldiers to surround this person. And then He uses that person to be another soldier and it just grows and grows.

I see or talk to an addict and God allows me to see the lifestyle that I was once in and reminds me that I do not want to be a part of that anymore. He does this with my withdrawals. He also shows me if I had control and did knock everyone that cares out of my life, what a sad, lonely, desperate life it would be.

Praise God for my withdrawals. Praise God for my illness. Praise God when I am at my lowest because I am learning more at that time then I do during the best of days. Praise God for soldiers. Praise God for using me as a soldier. Praise God for the days I feel like I am dead, for in those days I am more alive then ever.

D.

A Bitter Taste

I was talking to an addict the other day. Not really for him but more for his parents. It was so exhausting, I talked to him alone, that way he would not feel any pressure from his father or other family members. As I talked to him we both saw that we had a lot in common. Most addicts do. I will not get into to much of the conversation with him because I want to respect his privacy and it would feel like I betrayed him in a way.

The first thing I said though when we sit down outside is, ‘I am going to be honest, and you know this as well as I do. If you are not ready to quit then you are not going to.’ He agreed, I do not think that he was ready. Some of the things he said to me was a quarter interested, and three quarters not. About the only thing he did say toward quitting was that he has a wife and a kid he needs to think about. I struggled with talking to him, I asked if he had withdrawals yet and he just said a couple, I do not think that he has been clean for as long a he told me he was. That saddened me.

I felt sick while we talked. I mean, I felt like I could literally have thrown up. To see the stuff that is inside me and bringing out the knowledge that he and I shared. The only thing that separated us was the fact that I turned down a different road and he is still there. But our roads were parallel to each other. I think that is what sickened me the most, I saw myself in him. If he isn’t 21 yet he was close to it, I thought of myself at that age and how much I had seen already and the things to come in the next twenty-two years. I get the same feeling when I write on my other blog site, a sick feeling that sticks with me for a few days afterwards. It drains me, I had dreams about using.

Noreen and I thought that it would help, and this is what God wants. I still think that. He puts people in our paths and we need to use everything that we have, and at times that means we have to be uncomfortable at times. She stated that she was worried that now I have a connection. I did not tell her until then I thought the same thing too. I know that if I wanted I could have scored that day. I was told some things that day that I already knew, but hid from myself. Here it was the same ideas being brought out into the open, being thrown at me like darts hitting the center of a dart board. It is okay if I have them in my thoughts because at times I can dismiss them as being silly or not something that I would seek out. But when someone reaches inside you and pulls out your darkest thoughts and shows them to you, it is different.

He did not mean to, it was the same tactics that I used. The problem with addicts is we are all narcissistic. Sociopath tendencies, I know I use that term loosely, but I feel that is the truth. Little regard for others, and we mainly like to be alone so we won’t be judged. I could not tell his parents that I made any head way, but I do feel like I gave him someone to turn to. Someone that is not in a position to judge.

I hate withdrawals they seem to sneak up on you without warning. They take over completely, like a symbiote taking over my whole body. I push away everyone, I want to be left alone and not hurt anyone with my words. I go within my self, and I do not like it in there. This is the height of the narcissistic attitude, if it wasn’t for the little bit of Doug that is left during them, then I would have no one afterwards. Curling up in the bed and becoming a shell. I thankfully have my support group, even if they say nothing they are in the back of my head, the part of my brain that it has not touched. My kids, friends, Church family, and Noreen. You see Noreen is there to pull me out of it. Letting me get away from the world for just a minute and bringing me back in when she knows I need to be back in.

She takes the brunt of all of it. The mood swings, me snapping at nothing but all I see is the mountain of trash and I need someone up there with me. It is like a dream when the words of untruth are coming out of my mouth. She has told me she knows then that I am having withdrawals. I like to think that I have gotten better, but now sometimes I will not even talk, just listen to her and know that I keep my mouth shut until it passes. This worries her too, so I salute Noreen. A person has to be strong dealing with an addict.

I am always taken back when I come out and admit to someone that does not know I am an addict. I told one of my nephews and his step-dad at Christmas that I am an addict, and they just looked at me, like, ‘Yeah, what else is new?’ My nephew even said, ” Yeah, and..?” This has happened when I tell people that I did not think knew me well enough to think that. As I talked to this guy, not a kid he lost that title a long time ago, I realized that I never hid anything. I always wore a label no matter what I had on my body. No matter what clothes I wore, or how short I cut my hair. Nothing could hide the sign that hangs around my neck.

D.

Henry The Eighth I Am-A closer look

Okay, a lot of colleges take songs and analyze them. Especially the song by Don McLean ‘American Pie’. I wanted to be the first before these big wigs try to analyze one of my favorite songs, ‘I’m Henry The 8th I Am’ by that intellectual hippy group; Herman’s Hermits. I could probably do a post analyzing that name, but we will save that for later.

I’m Henry the 8th I am
Henry the 8th I am, I am- This is showing that he is indeed the 8th Henry that she has married. This would indicate psychological scars. Not only on the woman next door, but also this poor man who just happened to be named, Henry.

I got married to the widow next door. – or as I like to refer to her; “The black widow”. Just like the spider who kills her mate after childbirth. You will notice that Henry never mentions how many kids she actually has. Very peculiar indeed.
She’s been married 7 times before. – This is stating that she has indeed been married 7 times before. And since she is referred to as a widow, well we can just assume the rest can’t we?

And everyone was an Henery, (Henery)- I find this peculiar on two levels. First incorrect placement of ‘an’ showing that this ‘Henery’ was not very bright, leading one to believe that this is what the good widow looks for in a man. Also, the mispronunciation of his own name which is supposed to be: Henry. This also shows a slight possible speech impediment, but only on his own name. Could this be a Freudian slip suggesting that he would rather not put himself in the same category as the Henry’s, or Henries?

She wouldn’t have a Willy or a Sam. (No Sam)- Isn’t this a little bias? Notice the emphasis on Sam. She really does not like Sam for some unknown reason. We can only speculate that this is a deep ceded trauma probably experienced in childhood.

I’m her eighth old man, I’m Henery- Notice the repeated mispronunciation of Henry again separating himself from all the others. Yet with the way that this verse is stated he is unconsciously saying that there will probably be more. Looking at this from a legal perspective, how many times can a person be married under the law?

Henery the 8th I am- We notice here that this latest victim is very proud to be the 8th Henry that this lady has picked. How old is she? How young is he? How long did the past marriages last? These are questions that we have to ask to get to the center of this very destructive relationship.

Second verse same as the first – This indicates that he does not have much to say about the subject except to brag a little bit on being the 8th Henry, or ‘Henery’ as he is referred to in much of the song.

The song goes on the same with two repeats of the first verse, and then with a peculiar twist he begins to spell his name as Henry, but pronounces it still as ‘Henery’ as if he wants a certain association at first, but feels like he still has the need to separate himself.

H-e-n-r-y – Yes that is the spelling of Henry, not Henery.
Henery (Henery)
Henery (Henery)
Henery the 8th I am, I am – Again recanting the fact that he is indeed the 8th.
Henery the 8th I am- One last time for emphasis.

-Then peculiarly enough Henry adds a final, ‘Yeah!’ as in saying, “Yes, I am the 8th Henry and we have been married for a whole week now, which is the longest this lady has been married. I hope that I am the final one, and this time maybe I will outlive her.”

More About Me, Less About Dusty..plus my new site.

I am back and I want to plug my new site, An Addicts Diary be forewarned this is a straight up addiction site with graphic language, and stories. I hope to provide an outreach for addicts and I have included addiction help sites since I am not a counselor. I just want to offer a safe place for addicts, their friends, family, and those concerned to freely speak without judgment. I will share my stories and struggles that I still have, while maintaining this site to keep you updated on where I am at in my journey.

Speaking of my journey, I went to the Psych about a week or two ago and she diagnosed my ADD. She said that she had diagnosed it sooner, but with addicts they have to evaluate and dig a little deeper because the medicine contains amphetamines. I knew that, she knew that I knew that, and to be honest I was hoping that I would score Adderall, a quick acting speed. Let me explain before you think that I was making it up to get some, I wasn’t. I have always had difficulty in the areas that I said I do, I also knew about the medicine and I was not fooling her. I think a part of me did not want to fool her, I was afraid that I would abuse it, no, I know that I would abuse it.

This was a weird situation for me. I felt like I was conning but in a reverse way. I really was concerned about my ADD, yet I knew about the medicine, so I did not want to push the subject because I did not want her thinking that I wanted the Adderall, which I would not have minded having. Strange, the mind of an addict is. Anyway she put me on this new experimental medication which is not a drug. It contains amphetamine but it does not turn into it until it hits your stomach acid. So you cannot actually snort it like you can Ritalin, or Adderall. And the amphetamine cannot be extracted from the medicine, since it is not in an active form until it mixes with your acids. It is time released, the person taking it does not realize when it kicks in and does not know when they have come down from it. There is not a crash as you get with speed. It lasts twelve hours, and I take it only when I need it, like when I am driving, studying, or in a social situation.

The first couple of days it helped me, I can still feel it helping sometimes but I am sure that she will adjust it as she sees fit. I was relieved and a little disappointed at the same time. But now I am just relieved. It feels good, even if it is just for a minute or two, to focus again. Noreen has it literally under lock and key. The doctor recommended this, and plus Noreen counts my pills and she found that I took two instead of one. She gives them to me when I need them. I admit I have looked for her hiding spot, but I found out she actually locked them up and she is the only one with a key. Good for her.

Well that is about it for today, or right now anyway. Thank you all for staying with me through my mental Dusty breakdown.

TD.

The Day I Helpeded At the School!

Today I helpeded at the school with my wife C. she was not there and they asked me to fill in. My actering name is Larry, I put on them glasses ands I teaches! I thinks that is the Prince of Pal that is talking. That is whoms he says he was anyway.   ENJOY!    Oh I will be gone for the weekend, that means Saturday and Sunday, eventhoughs dodn’t you think it is funny that sunday is the beginning of the week but it is part of the weekend? Have funs everybodies!

RD-The Acter

Scaredy Rusty

My New Book

I is a scaredy cat. And this is my new book! The Doug, who I wishes I was like, has scared me numerous times, I will post pictures of those times later. But with his good hearted scaring of me, it gave me an idea for my newest book! It is a pop up so be careful of my nose when you open it up. Ha ha! no seriously you could put an eye out with it.

Anyway, go buy my book it can be found at all the flea markets and garage sales.

Rusty Dush-author, poet.

My Tribute to The Dustman

Fellow readers and blogger alike. I must say something as I take on this new venture in my tribute site. First off, I really do like Dusty, you might could say I even love the little preacherman. So anything I do here should be taken in the spirit it is intended. If Dusty chooses that I take it down I will. And I know that this will disappoint a lot of the readers out there, because I have so many readers you know. But as with all good things this will come to an end on it’s own someday. Sad I know, but let us enjoy what we have while we have it.

First off I really would like to say some good things about my friend and yours Rusty Dush. This will be the name I use to protect the innocent. Rusty took me under his wings and by his help I have grown immensely. I know that God put me in his path and he had no choice really but to trip over me. He has opened my eyes to scripture, a closer glimpse into God and His desire for us. He has shown me a way to commune with God through silence and prayer. He has become a close friend that has helped my journey in so many ways I cannot count them. If truth be told, and don’t let him know this because he will get the big head, I would like him to start blogging again. He has been a mentor to me, and someone that I look up to because he does not just preach or teach but he travels along with you. Struggling as we all do without hiding a bit of it. This is new to me in the way that I have seen other preachers as being unapproachable. He puts down his struggles and is able to take time to talk to anyone that needs it. And me being an introvert also, I understand that struggle. I believe he handles it with a desire to help that at times I would find hard to do.

Okay, so there is my little tribute to a man I am very happy to call my friend, brother, and confidante. With all of that said, I would like to hear some of your Dusty stories. Good ones, anything bad…well let us not put any bad stories or embarrassing ones on here, unless it is me doing it. In reality I wanted everyone to know how I really felt about Rusty lest any of you get the wrong idea. I poke at him, as I do a bear, carefully. Because he has power and he is not afraid to use it!

TD-100th Commenter

My New Blog-for now anyway.

Welcome to the new Rusty Dush Blog! I have had so much fun commenting on Dusty’s blog and he is such a great guy. This is my tribute to him. I will dedicate Dusty using videos, pictures, and top secrets of the Rushman. This should be fun! Here are my first two videos dedicated to one of my best buddies! Rusty Dush!

TD-100th Commenter (on Dusty’s real blog)

Happpy Fourth!

I hope that everyone has a happy and safe Fourth of July!

TD-100th Commentor

Happy Birthday!

You know I wrote my last post and almost forgot that today is my birthday! Wow, happy birthday to me! 43 years ago Mrs. Williams gave birth to a bouncing baby boy and they named him Douglas Archie Williams. Douglas because of General Douglas MacArthur and Archie after one of the best man in the world, my Grandfather. I was proud of my name, but because of the age of my middle name, I hid it for awhile. Only a select few ever knew it. Not that I was ashamed of my Granddad, but because it was an older persons name, and I knew that it would provoke Archie comic references and Archie Bunker references.

When I graduated High School my principal knew my Granddad as a good man, and when I asked that he leave off my middle name when he called on me, he rebuked me by saying he would not. When he announced my name during graduation practice the class laughed. Remember this was over 300 of my peers and I believe all of them were laughing. My principal looked across the room and said, “Doug was named after his Grandfather, and he is one of the best man that I have ever met. Any of you would be blessed to be named after such a man.” Oh man, my chest swelled and sank at the same time. He was right, I was blessed to have that name and I have never used it. I was always hiding it from everyone.

I know that my Granddad was proud that I was named after him, and I believe that he would have liked me to have used it at one time. My mom would use it when I got into trouble, so I heard it a lot, just did not go by it. Douglas Archie Williams! Was her cry, I knew that I was in trouble when I heard my middle name. I always thought that is what middle names were for. My Granddad told her that if see kept doing that then I will grow up thinking that is a cuss word. If so many people didn’t know me as Doug I would gladly go by Archie now. It is funny how we mature and we see reasons to things that we had no clue about in the past.

So, it is my 43rd birthday nothing special, no celebration really. Just having the kids around and being with family is really the best thing. If you see me you can call me Archie I will answer, it is not a bad word afterall.

 

D.