Reflections of the past part 2: godless

To start with this post contains graphic suggestive material about sex. I am not proud of this, nor do I condone what I did. It was a horrible and lowly early part of my journey, and one I am ashamed to admit to. Yet I feel that it is important to include it in my travels. To show the full picture of a drug addict and the lengths that they will go to. I have prayed for forgiveness for my past acts, and I pray that you do not view me any different. 

Though I never lost faith in God my views of Him became distorted. I continued to go to church, just not all of the time. I checked out different religions, different beliefs I searched for something that wasn’t found in buildings, a closer relationship with God. One that fit my needs. I drove the Church bus for Downtown the Church I was raised in. I would get high before I picked up little old ladies, and teenagers that needed a ride because their parents would not attend. I was careless and calloused about the responsibility that I had.

I would drop the ladies off first and then let the teens off that I knew needed to get back home. Then I would drive the other teens around and get high with them before letting them off again. These teens needed an escape, I just wished that I would have offered them a better one then I did. The year was 1982 I was 17 years old. I could blame it on my past, I could blame it on being a teen myself, but I had sex a lot.  It wasn’t different with some of the teens that I drove to church. I am not proud of any of this and I wished that it never happened but it did, quite a bit.  My first consensual kiss was at the age of 9, my first consensual sex was at the age of 10. The girls were 14 and 16 respectively. I was not at the age where I could finish, and I know that you would think that I was not able to make a decision concerning such a big step, and you might be right, but I already knew the difference between desire and rape.

At 17 I had been doing speed for a year straight. Everyday I had some. I was selling Black Betty’s, Cross-tops, Yellow-jackets, and all different kinds of speed tabs just to score a bigger reward, meth or coke. I began drinking coffee around that time and taking some of the tabs for myself, anything for an up in between the real thing. I started to sleep with girls that would give me a high for free if I would do a line with them off of their body. HIV was just becoming a big thing, but it was a same sex disease at the time so I still had no worries, even if I did I don’t know if it would have stopped me.

I have never told anyone this but no one likes to talk about taking meth in this way. I used to do Booty Bumps, or Keistering. I would do this before having sex with someone because it increases the sex drive quickly, which I would need sometimes. As I said earlier I was 17, the women were anywhere between the ages of 16 to 47 anything to get a fix.

I was doing some lines over at one of my friends house when his mom came in and caught us. My friend left for a little bit, and I was nervous afraid that this would be the end. I was getting up hoping to leave unscathed when his mom told me she wanted to talk to me in her room. I just thought that she wanted to get onto me, and give me a lecture of the dangers of drugs. She black mailed me instead. If I would have sex with her then she would not call the cops or my parents. I felt dirty and used once again. Memories flooded back in of when I was younger, I think that I even cried afterwards.

I refused to let God in anymore, I quit driving the van because I quit going to church on a regular basis. Plus I was thinking God didn’t care about me anymore. I made up reasons why it was okay for me to use, I made up excuses to why God wasn’t around me all of the time, or didn’t care. I was mad at God, but I was taught that was wrong and you should never be upset with God. I knew that it was me, I wasn’t getting my way and I put myself there by choice. So I begin to wrestle with God, and finally walked away from Him. If He wanted to follow me then that was His choice, but I didn’t think that He would like where I was going.

Again I hope that you see the peril in this life that began to spin out of control. It did so fast, I didn’t leave much out from the time I was 16 to the time I was 17 that is how fast it goes. I wanted to show and have you realize that if you have anyone in your life that you care about, or if you think that you care about God then don’t start. Meth, coke and drugs in general will consume you, it will take over your life. If you think that you are stronger then that, you need to think again, no one is stronger then drugs and the all consuming power it holds. I will continue sharing my journeys I know that it isn’t going to paint a pretty picture of me, and I know that I have to swallow my pride and let you know the dangers of starting. I know that meth is not as big as it was, now is prescription pills which I also experimented with and will talk about that later. I hope though that seeing my shame someone that is wanting to start will think twice about how fast it can get out of hand.

D.