Cheerfulness for the rest of the year

I thought that I would stop looking back on my journeys until after the holidays. I feel bad about my last post, kind of embarrassed really. I just feel like I need to talk about everything, I know that some things are better left alone but what about the people that are going through this now? I don’t want to sugar coat anything and however hard it might be to recount those times or read it, it is my scared straight. For the people that are experiencing it maybe they can see themselves in it and decide that it is time to get out. There are several outlets if one wants out you just have to find the one that fits you the best.

One thing that I did not like about the therapist that I went to two weeks ago was the fact that he wanted me to recant my life. There are other things that made me feel uncomfortable, but there was also a misunderstanding I was told that I needed to see a therapist because I was having side effects with my medicine. I don’t think that this was relayed to him and I tried but to no avail. I have come to the conclusion that my past is my past, one of the reasons I decided to write about it is so I can see what not to go back to. To see the foolishness that got me here. This along side the reason I gave earlier to help someone. This leads to a dark place, and it happens so fast that you don’t even realize it. There are several people that are in that darkness now, they have either passed me in recovery, they are at the beginning, or somewhere in between, either way it is not a good place to be.

Drugs become a lifestyle, it eats away at you, the drugs become who you are as a person. The problem is they wear off and then you use again to become that person. Even when they make you become a babbling fool who isn’t functioning in society, knowing even while you are escaping that you are an object of ridicule. Even when you are in a room by yourself to escape the outside you know that the outside is waiting not for you to face it, but for it to face you. That no one understands the you that you have become. That you don’t fully understand it yourself. When you resemble a homeless person, a hapless addict that cannot function without poison in your veins. When I went to talk to people and not get a full sentence out because I was stumbling over my words trying to be secret about what I wanted. This is what became from the kid that innocently used that first time to get a stronger high, searching for an escape from something that he did not fully understand himself.

I am sorry I did not mean for this post to get that far, as I said I will save my travels for after the holidays. It is this time of the year that I remember a lot, I think that is why I started the series about the past. Anyway, I hope that everyone has a merry Christmas and I will promise that I will lighten up for a little bit.

D.