When I started this medication I think I said I was afraid of it making me a zombie. Just the opposite, I am still having trouble with it. I called my Doctor and I am waiting for her to return my call. I am speeding worse now then ever. I feel almost uncomfortable in my skin. On the plus side, I am getting to sleep better, I still wake up anywhere between 4:30 and 5:30 in the morning. I don’t mind that so much it is better then waking up every hour or two. I just don’t know what to do with the time when I get up. I can’t work out because I want to respect Noreen’s sleep time before she goes to work. So I usually sit around try and draw, try to do my spiritual disciplines, but mostly I drink tons of coffee and smoke my cigs. I have a high tolerance level to caffeine, but still not the best thing to drink when I am feeling like this.
Funny I used to like experimenting with drugs, but I could control what drug I took, how much and when. Now I am experimenting with medication that I can’t just stop abruptly or the side effects will be worse then the cure. Also the medication doesn’t have an immediate effect on me. It takes days or months to kick in. So I am looking at maybe about a year I will be on the right path. Addiction sucks, I want to use again. I want to feel something go up my nose. Weird huh? I know that psychiatric drugs are sometimes snorted to get a high faster, no no I won’t do that, but the thought has crossed my mind. I am saying this because it is true, it doesn’t matter if you comment and say don’t do that, it is wrong, I know that I shouldn’t but no matter what someone might say thoughts still cross my mind I can’t seem to stop them.
I want to feel the heavy liquid go down the back of my throat, I want to taste the poison, I long to hear the crackle of a freebase pipe, I want to hear the crackle of heating the coke up on the copper wire. I want to see the clear shaft fill with smoke just to see a puff leave my mouth. It seems that all of my senses are included in the desire. So maybe some of this is because of the addiction. Not knowing what to do with myself. I draw, I smoke cigarettes. I read, I smoke. If I am not smoking then I snack when I am not hungry. I have lost 45 pounds since all of this. I gained a lot of weight at first, now I am losing weight. I enjoy that side effect but if I keep eating when I am not hungry I will gain again. Another draw to Meth. A horrible way to lose weight by the way if you were thinking that. For one thing it will become your vice, another it tears your teeth up. I have lost about four of my back teeth. Sometimes fillings come out when I am eating something soft like bread and a hole is left. I have one tooth that broke down all the way to the gums with just a sharp edge sticking barely above the gum line. If they cut it out they have to go all the way pass the gum line.
Just say no. A line that I thought was corny at the time, but man I wish that I would have listened. And no big production needed, just say no. It is a long way to recovery, sometimes there isn’t an end to it. I have seen a lot of people that have been clean for a long time relapse. And even when they tell me that they don’t have the cravings anymore, I can see that they are lying. They later will say something that makes sense to me, it is a craving.
I know some of the conclusions that can be made from this post, stop smoking so much, don’t drink so much caffeine, call your doctor. Coffee never has effected me, I could drink a pot of coffee before and all I would get is a headache, Noreen drinks coffee all day and night she doesn’t do this. I cannot quit cigarettes at this time, but I can slow down on them probably. I went from under a pack a day to about a pack and a half now. I just heard back from my Doctors office and she is not in until Monday, so I was told that I need to see a Therapist. I do not know what the Therapist is able to do. Tell me to slow down? Adjust my medicine? Actually I know that he can evaluate what is going on a little better and have a different suggestion on my medication.
I also figure that some of you will have the same question that Noreen had. How can I still crave speed when I am already speeding more then I can handle now? My senses seem more open now, my senses seem to have the craving. Plus I was always able to calm down with crank or coke. I am so messed up I hope that someday all of this can be reversed and I will feel normal. I have never felt normal on my own. Speed was so much of what I did it made me feel the most normal but I would have to continue doing it, which I had a hard time doing sometimes. I told Noreen that I don’t want to be around people right now because I am afraid that they will think that I am using again. She said that this time I can honestly say, yes I am speeding and I can’t help it, but it is not illegal drugs this time.
D.
Doug, I would like to say that this is to be expected. Beyond the common sense stuff, which you mentioned, there is the emotional link to these drugs (in my case food) that does not go away … at least it hasn’t for me. All of us (I presume) experience thoughts about things that we are at once drawn to and repelled by. You are sick of the consequences of drugs, but at the same time there is a draw. I hate what the wrong kinds of food and amount of food has done to my body, but a cheeseburger sounds awesome. I fall and get fat. You fall and there will be hell to pay. It’s not the same, but it has similar qualities. Addiction works the same in everyone. I think i have told you before that I sometimes say (even out loud at times) “Satan, get out! Jesus, please take this away. This is not the life I want to live.” I may have to do that several times a day. But the Enemy is persistent. He has nothing else to do but to drag you to hell with him. You are inhabited by the Conqueror … victory is already yours. We are always a moment away from tossing it all away … but that is a moment you can overcome. Don’t worry about tomorrow or next week, just be a victor in the moment. Perhaps one day these urges will fly away and never return … until that day … stay strong for the moment. Love you.
You are doing exactly the right things, being honest and seeking to understand. You wont always feel this messed up. Maybe even tomorrow you will feel better.
The fact that you have worry about others judging you over this is a warning sign in itself that you might be a bit out of balance.
You’ll get through this spell and if you can even get even 1% more of a better understanding of it all then its worth it.
45lbs! Thats awesome man!!!!!
Doug, Stay strong brother. You are doing so good. I wish I had words to comfort you! I am praying for you, know that.
I too feel the pull of things that are destructive to my health and soul. I also cry out to the LORD to protect me from Satan’s seduction, as John said. I understand, maybe, in a small way, what you are going through.
Listen and reflect on what Dobbs said.
Dont you see somenone every Friday? Is that the person out until Monday or the therapist they told you to see? Confused who is who.
Sounds like you need to see them. When do you do that?
John-I always look forward to your comments, you guide well. You put it in perspective for me.
love you too. You should read Noreen’s post on her view of living with me. Poor Nee-Nee.
Jimbo-Thank you, I love how you put it in perspective also. Noreen and I usually read the comments together and we looked at each other when you said it shows that I might be a little unbalanced, yeah, just a little, but not staggering.
Love ya, bro
Amanda-I look forward to your comments also. Noreen and I also like to read your blog. It moves us how constant your struggle is. Mine is constant also, so in that I can see how we relate with our battles against the Enemy. Love you Sister
Jack-As you know I look forward to your comments too. You show such a sense of caring with only a few words. I have let my regular Counselor go because I feel like we went as far as we could. I stayed with the Psychiatrist which I see on a monthly basis. I have just set up appointments with a Therapist, which I will see either every three weeks or once a month starting Friday. I can see where it might be confusing. When I called the Psychiatrist they said that she won’t be back until Monday, but they suggested that I see a Therapist as soon as I could, that is when they made the appointment for the Therapist. Clear as mud right?
Love you too Bro-in-Law
D.
Sounds like to need to get in front of one of them to discuss effect of medication which I assume will take place Friday?
I wonder if some of this is due to you not getting out enough. I know that when I am at work or college my mind isn’t wondering. It is when I am home and if there is nothing to do when my thoughts consume me. It is hard to deal with sometimes when it controls your thoughts and most of your emotions. I can’t sit at home, it would drive me crazy… Really! I start talking to my cats as if they understand me. LOL! Chin up though, you are finding your way out. Temptations will always be there but you are stronger now and you now know can do this. Look how far you have come since you told Noreen what you had been doing. You have acomplished a lot since then and I don’t think you will throw that away without a fight.
Tracy
i know it must be hard and i wish it could be easy. this is one of those things where you wish it would be like all the other things you did to get there.
i know its hard to let go and move on, but you can, the funny thing is we proberly will never let go of those “good” times. Cause they “were” so fucking good, but “were” is the key word. they are going to be better times and you are going to say this is the best fucking day of my life and it is probely going to be true. but this wont happen over night. it takes a lot of time,focus, and/or been put away for along time and then just put back like nothing happened and you have to act the same.
the best advice i can give you is
a)go to rehab for no less than 6 to 8 months at start
b) move away from where you live and i dont just mean to the next town or state. i am talking about at least 2000km and i am not jokeing.
You’re nuts. You’re, as I like to say about myself, fucked in the head. This is true if you are like me. I am alcoholic. I have an obsession of the mind that invariably eventually convinces me it is a good idea to drink or drug, despite the abundance of evidence to the contrary. I will always, left to my own devices, go back to using. Always.
There is a way out.
-David